| Open Home & Open Hearts: Attachment & Letting Go (on large families taking in special needs children) by Grace Tran |
| If you would like to contribute to Moms Helping Moms, please contact Jacqueline Kramer. |
| The Hearth Foundation - Copyright 2007 - 2008 Wendy Myers Web Designs - Copyright 2007-2008 |
| The Hearth Foundation - Copyright 2007 - 2009 Wendy Myers Web Designs - Copyright 2007-2009 |
| M oms Helping Moms |
I live the life of extreme attachment and I practice Buddhism. Let me explain myself, I am a mother to many earthly beings, ten registered to my name
but 12 to be exact, at least exact in this moment. I have birthed seven of my children from my own body, and now have ten children as a result of being a
foster mum, attaching myself to three wonderful children who wandered into my home and soon after into my heart. I continue to attach myself to children
who find their way into my care in the short term and long term as the result of needing a foster family placement. Folks often say, "You're either crazy or a
saint", neither is a remotely accurate description of who I am in my opinion. What exactly is non-attachment? Buddhism has taught me that my intentions
reflect my understanding.
Three of my ten children have special needs. Our first special needs child came into my arms at the tender age of three after witnessing her 5 year old
sister's near death at the hands of a loved one. As time went on, the reality of the trauma and deficit in parenting prior to entering our home had taken its
toll, deeper than I or anyone could ever have imagined. I often refer to my daughter as my "RADical" child. She suffers from severe Reactive Attachment
Disorder. My experience to date has been that "RADical" children benefit when their parents practice Buddhism. Radical children need a constant supply
of forgiveness; compassion, sympathy, unattached loving kindness a.k.a metta and even more fresh chances than anyone could ever make sense of.
These chances need to be offered without strings attached, unconditionally. I have to be honest though,Some days cultivating metta is extremely
challenging.
Our next special needs child arrived shortly after the first. She had endured incredible suffering. I met with her surgeon and nurses, holding her on my lap
as the social worker described what care she would require. A severe TBI (Traumatic Brain Injury). She would have the shunt removed and, barring any
complications, they would take her off the seizure medications reintroducing them if necessary. No one knew the extent of the damage, and how much she
would recover, only time would tell. My daughter has short term memory loss and struggles with impulsivity and other learning problems as a result of her
traumas during her early years.
Two and half years ago our family received more news about her health, she has ALL (Acute Lymphoblastic Leukemia). Two weeks prior to this I
discovered I was expecting a child. A roller coaster of emotions ensued. I've discovered that living requires great flexibility. Meditation, mindfulness, and
deep contemplation have been essential for me in trying to make some sense of this journey. Once again, mothering on a Buddhist foundation, as eclectic
as it has been, provides me with stability. I can leave, come back and know where I am without having to start over. Living in the moment facilitates a
good day more often than not while pregnant and nurturing a child on cancer treatments. What a gift the Buddha has given us! Those who choose to
delve right in and embrace the practices, and those who do just as the Dalai Lama has asked "Don't try to use what you learn from Buddhism to be a
Buddhist, use it to be a better whatever you already are" will benefit from his wisdom.
On to "Gem". I waited for her to be born. I received the call from the social worker that her mum was in labour, and would I take a newborn for a short
time until they found a resource home (adoptive foster family)? Already two months pregnant myself, hormones raging, I most certainly would accept this
babe into our family until her forever family was found. Fast track almost seven years now, "Gem" found her forever family the day she was born. I
remember visiting the NICU, holding her, feeding her and kissing her brow, I just knew. Gem, now Gwen has had a G-tube since she was one to assist
with weight gain/feeing, has also been diagnosed with FASD, ADHD and PD-NOS. I have learned the joy and necessity of breathing in and out, more
Metta. And I have learned to love myself even more. Patience, patience, patience, if Gwen can meditate eyes tight, peeking around the room… I can
surely do better today.
I could go on forever, as I've only introduced three of my children, but now I need to refocus and share what I have learned on this Buddha Mom journey.
This world has so much to gain from observing and interacting with people who live in conditions that we somehow feel are undesirable. In the presence of
adversity my children thrive. They smile when it seems there is no reason to smile, they laugh, they hug, they sing, they say random things that only an
enlightened being could know. In their presence I have learned with the help of Buddhism to let go, or at least try harder to let go, of my "Radical" child's
smites and see them for what they are; as Thich Nhat Hanh has said, a mama mantra I recall often "When another person makes you suffer it is because
he suffers deeply within himself and his suffering is spilling over. He does not need punishment, he needs help. That's the message he is sending ". I can
hold my anger, acknowledge the sensations anger presents and I own those sensations. By doing this I can see what needs to be done to heal the
situation and not inflict pain on someone who is already suffering. With each day, and continued practice, this insight becomes more effortless. What
complex lessons we mothers learn when we open our hearts to mothering.
I need to acknowledge my most influential teachers, my remaining seven children. They have shared their mother and father, home, belongings and
opened up their hearts welcoming another sibling, or two, or more as they assist in nurturing the children in our care temporarily or permanently.
Buddhism has helped me see the beauty in all relationships I encounter, from the seemingly simplest to the more complex and sometimes challenging.
On this journey I have come to realize a few things, time just is! The "present" is the most important time I have. Worrying about tomorrow takes up too
much time. Holding onto the past takes up even more time and complicates the present. Being a mother has taught me the importance of not over
reacting, giving myself time to understand what has happened, hopefully avoiding saying and doing things that would make both myself and my children
suffer. It's not always easy to do, and I often stumble, but it's so much easier when I listen to those around me, more careful evaluation, acknowledging the
message that is being delivered and react accordingly vs. reacting in the heat of the moment. Parenting is a great teacher of impermanence, each day
bringing about new challenges, joys, struggles and insights into ourselves and our children. Parenting children with special needs is that and greater
teacher or impermanence. What might work with the other children may not work with my special needs children. Buddhism has taught me how being in
the moment makes it much easier for me to deal with what may come my way.
Mothering is an awesome adventure, challenging but oh so rewarding! If I could offer a piece of advice, when times are difficult, surround yourself with
friends and family who can support you, people who can support what you are trying to accomplish. In the short term this may be a difficult task, I often
find myself on the outskirts of mainstream parenting trying to connect, but all you need is one like minded, or almost like minded, person, someone who
can help you refocus and lend some time to hear you out. I often find my own answers in hearing what I say out loud to my incredible friend Lee. Until
then, breathe in and out and find peace in your practice. I am very grateful for opportunities in finding support within online communities like Jacqueline
Kramer's Hearth Foundation.
Life is Good.
but 12 to be exact, at least exact in this moment. I have birthed seven of my children from my own body, and now have ten children as a result of being a
foster mum, attaching myself to three wonderful children who wandered into my home and soon after into my heart. I continue to attach myself to children
who find their way into my care in the short term and long term as the result of needing a foster family placement. Folks often say, "You're either crazy or a
saint", neither is a remotely accurate description of who I am in my opinion. What exactly is non-attachment? Buddhism has taught me that my intentions
reflect my understanding.
Three of my ten children have special needs. Our first special needs child came into my arms at the tender age of three after witnessing her 5 year old
sister's near death at the hands of a loved one. As time went on, the reality of the trauma and deficit in parenting prior to entering our home had taken its
toll, deeper than I or anyone could ever have imagined. I often refer to my daughter as my "RADical" child. She suffers from severe Reactive Attachment
Disorder. My experience to date has been that "RADical" children benefit when their parents practice Buddhism. Radical children need a constant supply
of forgiveness; compassion, sympathy, unattached loving kindness a.k.a metta and even more fresh chances than anyone could ever make sense of.
These chances need to be offered without strings attached, unconditionally. I have to be honest though,Some days cultivating metta is extremely
challenging.
Our next special needs child arrived shortly after the first. She had endured incredible suffering. I met with her surgeon and nurses, holding her on my lap
as the social worker described what care she would require. A severe TBI (Traumatic Brain Injury). She would have the shunt removed and, barring any
complications, they would take her off the seizure medications reintroducing them if necessary. No one knew the extent of the damage, and how much she
would recover, only time would tell. My daughter has short term memory loss and struggles with impulsivity and other learning problems as a result of her
traumas during her early years.
Two and half years ago our family received more news about her health, she has ALL (Acute Lymphoblastic Leukemia). Two weeks prior to this I
discovered I was expecting a child. A roller coaster of emotions ensued. I've discovered that living requires great flexibility. Meditation, mindfulness, and
deep contemplation have been essential for me in trying to make some sense of this journey. Once again, mothering on a Buddhist foundation, as eclectic
as it has been, provides me with stability. I can leave, come back and know where I am without having to start over. Living in the moment facilitates a
good day more often than not while pregnant and nurturing a child on cancer treatments. What a gift the Buddha has given us! Those who choose to
delve right in and embrace the practices, and those who do just as the Dalai Lama has asked "Don't try to use what you learn from Buddhism to be a
Buddhist, use it to be a better whatever you already are" will benefit from his wisdom.
On to "Gem". I waited for her to be born. I received the call from the social worker that her mum was in labour, and would I take a newborn for a short
time until they found a resource home (adoptive foster family)? Already two months pregnant myself, hormones raging, I most certainly would accept this
babe into our family until her forever family was found. Fast track almost seven years now, "Gem" found her forever family the day she was born. I
remember visiting the NICU, holding her, feeding her and kissing her brow, I just knew. Gem, now Gwen has had a G-tube since she was one to assist
with weight gain/feeing, has also been diagnosed with FASD, ADHD and PD-NOS. I have learned the joy and necessity of breathing in and out, more
Metta. And I have learned to love myself even more. Patience, patience, patience, if Gwen can meditate eyes tight, peeking around the room… I can
surely do better today.
I could go on forever, as I've only introduced three of my children, but now I need to refocus and share what I have learned on this Buddha Mom journey.
This world has so much to gain from observing and interacting with people who live in conditions that we somehow feel are undesirable. In the presence of
adversity my children thrive. They smile when it seems there is no reason to smile, they laugh, they hug, they sing, they say random things that only an
enlightened being could know. In their presence I have learned with the help of Buddhism to let go, or at least try harder to let go, of my "Radical" child's
smites and see them for what they are; as Thich Nhat Hanh has said, a mama mantra I recall often "When another person makes you suffer it is because
he suffers deeply within himself and his suffering is spilling over. He does not need punishment, he needs help. That's the message he is sending ". I can
hold my anger, acknowledge the sensations anger presents and I own those sensations. By doing this I can see what needs to be done to heal the
situation and not inflict pain on someone who is already suffering. With each day, and continued practice, this insight becomes more effortless. What
complex lessons we mothers learn when we open our hearts to mothering.
I need to acknowledge my most influential teachers, my remaining seven children. They have shared their mother and father, home, belongings and
opened up their hearts welcoming another sibling, or two, or more as they assist in nurturing the children in our care temporarily or permanently.
Buddhism has helped me see the beauty in all relationships I encounter, from the seemingly simplest to the more complex and sometimes challenging.
On this journey I have come to realize a few things, time just is! The "present" is the most important time I have. Worrying about tomorrow takes up too
much time. Holding onto the past takes up even more time and complicates the present. Being a mother has taught me the importance of not over
reacting, giving myself time to understand what has happened, hopefully avoiding saying and doing things that would make both myself and my children
suffer. It's not always easy to do, and I often stumble, but it's so much easier when I listen to those around me, more careful evaluation, acknowledging the
message that is being delivered and react accordingly vs. reacting in the heat of the moment. Parenting is a great teacher of impermanence, each day
bringing about new challenges, joys, struggles and insights into ourselves and our children. Parenting children with special needs is that and greater
teacher or impermanence. What might work with the other children may not work with my special needs children. Buddhism has taught me how being in
the moment makes it much easier for me to deal with what may come my way.
Mothering is an awesome adventure, challenging but oh so rewarding! If I could offer a piece of advice, when times are difficult, surround yourself with
friends and family who can support you, people who can support what you are trying to accomplish. In the short term this may be a difficult task, I often
find myself on the outskirts of mainstream parenting trying to connect, but all you need is one like minded, or almost like minded, person, someone who
can help you refocus and lend some time to hear you out. I often find my own answers in hearing what I say out loud to my incredible friend Lee. Until
then, breathe in and out and find peace in your practice. I am very grateful for opportunities in finding support within online communities like Jacqueline
Kramer's Hearth Foundation.
Life is Good.
| posted 9/5/07 allmaterial copyrighted 2007-2009 |
